It's been 3 weeks plus since grandma was admitted to hospital. She was in ICU for 2 weeks, during which her behavior was severely erratic. She spoke in very clear, precise and accurate Mandarin to us, was in excellent spirits, could see the clock on the wall and kept reminding us that it's time to go home, telling us things that were like her last words, kept talking and not wanting to sleep when we were in her room to accompany her, said she saw my dad visiting her when actually my dad only touch down in SG the next evening, said she saw my uncle's wife when actually she was (and still is I guess, nobody really knows her status now) in Thailand. All these despite her vital stats not looking well. Doctor saw that her condition stabilizing and not deteriorating, transferred her from ICU ward to High Dependency ward, and told her children that if her condition continue stabilizing, they would transfer her out to general ward.
This is definitely not good news. Out at general ward, the doctor and nurses would not be on high monitoring her condition. I've seen patients being wheeled out of ICU in stable condition, only to be wheeled back to ICU a few days later worse than ever, if not same bad as when they first entered ICU.
She's been in general ward for 1 week already. Her spirits not as good as when she was in ICU, and she has reverted to speaking in Hokkien. And it is clear. Doctor has told the adults that their mother is having organ failure now. What they can do now, is to continue giving her the basic treatment and whatever medication she needs. Like if she's uncomfortable and having pain, they will continue giving her painkillers. If she's having problem at the heart for example, they will assess and give her the necessary medications to help improve the condition or slow the deterioration. But if she have another infection, as agreed by the children, they will no longer put her on life support. What is left of her now, is only 30-40% of organ functioning. She's is plainly put, dying away. As her organs fail, she will feel pain and discomfort. My brother told me that she told the doctor to put her down because of her sufferings. It is painful to hear that she is dying away bit by bit, and she is suffering as it goes. She is telling my mom that she wants to go home, she wants to pass on now when she is still looking good. My mom laughed at her, still can think about looking good. Grandma has clear awareness. We are all aware her time is coming, but when?
We are born into this world. We will then go through life on this world in a certain manner. Similarly, when we get old for those who do, we will get sickly and eventually pass on. Life is a cycle. I get it, and I know there comes a day when my grandma has to leave us. But I wasn't quite prepared to hear or see her wasting away bit by bit and she is very well aware of it and expressing the pains. This is the excruciating part of it. Painful for anyone to bear.
Since her transfer to general ward, I haven't been able to go visit her frequent. JCH and I both got a bit sick at some point in time. Plus I don't have anywhere to park JCH with someone to look after him while I go to grandma's bedside. Bringing JCH to stay in the general ward for prolonged time is something I try to avoid. He is still afterall a 8mth old baby. Now that grandma is in general ward, the caregivers have to rotate their timing so that someone in the family is with her by her side 24/7. Just managed to visit her on the first day that she got transferred to general ward. She was too exhausted to talk and keep awake from all the shifting. Plus they took off the oxygen supply from her. Went to visit her yesterday. They put on the oxygen supply for her, she's still on tube feeding, sleeping when I was there, only waking up when I was leaving with hubby and JCH. Had a brief talk with her, is she uncomfortable anywhere, is she eating the hospital porridge well, telling her I will make some baby porridge for her to eat instead bcos hospital porridge is too bland, told her to rest well and that I will visit again and left.
I guess, the only thing that I can do now, is to visit her, let her see JCH's growth by sending pictures and videos to my mom and brother so they can show grandma, and make baby porridge for her after her doctor gives us the green light.
She is ready to leave, she is contented to have seen us all, told us her last words for us, told my mom her list of last words for my mom to carry out, she is at peace to go. I just pray that her sufferings can be shortened.
I will take care of JCH as she told me to. Hubby will take care of us as he promised my grandma.
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